Hellfire, Phanfire

Lonely Phan's Struggle of Quiet Desparation

The tune to my parody is sung to the tune of "Hellfire" from the 1996 Disney production of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. (YouTube video is at the top center of this page.) In that scene, Judge Claude Frollo struggles over his attraction to the gypsy dancer Esmeralda, a "forbidden fruit" according to the laws, customs, and faith that he has enforced for many years.

Most of the phans I have met online became phans because of the musical by Andrew Lloyd Webber. As such, I have seen many of them express their disdain with a vengeance at director Dario Argento's Phantom movie production at phorums I used to frequently haunt. On the other hand, I have also seen many reviews at Amazon.com by people who have enjoyed this movie immensely.

I could not resist the idea of some dedicated phan out there who frequents the phorums touting their love for Michael Crawford's Phantom in the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical while secretly loving the warped, Julian Sands Phantom.

This is her sad, sad story...
Lonely Phan, dressed in a long, flowing black cape, stares into the fireplace. She is troubled. At war with herself over her loyalty to Michael Crawford and her lust for Julian Sands, she breaks out into her song...

Oh Greatness called Erik, you know I am a righteous Phan.
Of my Phandom, I am justly proud.
Oh Greatness called Erik, you know I'm so much purer than
The common Gerard-Butler-loving crowd!

As Lonely Phan stares into the fire, a firey image of the infamous Fabio Fantôme appears. He is dancing suggestively, tossing his long hair to and fro, looking occasionally towards Lonely Phan as though taunting and teasing her.

Then tell me, Great Erik, why I see him dancing there!
Why is smoldering eyes still scorch my soul!
I see him, I feel him, the sun caught in his long blonde hair
Is blazing in me out of all control!

Like Fire, Phan Fire
This fire in my skin
This burning desire
Is turning me to sin!

From the shadows appears a line of Michael Crawford Phantoms, all looking down on Lonely Phan disapprovingly. Their presence is terrifying. Lonely Phan trembles in their mighty presence and in her panic, continues her song of gloomy desparation.

It's not my fault! I'm not to blame!
It's the actor Julian Sands who sent this flame!
It's not my fault that in God's plan
He made the devil so much stronger than a phan!

Protect me, Great Erik!
Don't let that pervert cast his spell!
Don't let his fire sear my flesh and bone!
Destroy his voice inside my head and send it to the fires of hell.

(Hugs photo of Julian Sands as Phantom)

Or else let him be mine and mine alone!

One of her concerned phriends appears with good intentions, warning her that the perverted Phantom film directed by Argento has escaped the catacombs and is on the loose, about to be aired on several premium cable channels. Lonely Phan pretends to be frightened and promises to keep the television off tonight. As her phriend leaves to warn others, Lonely Phan continues her song...

Hellfire, Phan Fire, now Julian it's your turn!

(Looks in mirror, knowing she has lied yet again to a phriend.)

Watch TV, you liar! Will you not ever learn!

(Okay I know I choked on that last line but was not sure what sort of words to use without putting Julian Sands and his fans into panic mode that there is some very disturbed phan out there. If you don't know, the original lyrics are "Choose me or your pyre! Be mine or you will burn!")

Years after creating this wee Hellfire parody, I noticed a few Hellfire and Phantom crossovers on YouTube. Check them out at my page titled The Phantom goes to Hell. These videos are not funny. They are remarkable and stunning. I clapped and said "Bravo" after watching them.

Original lyrics to "Hellfire" from Disney's Hunchback of Notre Dame can be read here.

Disclaimer: Lonely Phan is purely fictional. Any resemblance to any Phan, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Judge Claude Frollo was not harmed in the production of this parody. Neither were Michael Crawford, Julian Sands, Dario Argento, Andrew Lloyd Webber, and Gerard Butler. Nor were any of their fans.

Fire graphics are courtesy of:

Caverns of Blood

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